Real College

Good evening from warm, soft Houston where stars and shining through the pines and tree frogs are bleeping their evening songs....

College. This has been something I have thought about a lot the past few years. I guess I mean I have been trying to think about it in a real way. This post will most certainly follow my thoughts, hopefully in not a too random fashion, but I have no conclusions drawn as I start.

However I am really, really having to work at being objective with this. I am biased. I know that. But when I toodled off to a 4 year state college, barely 18 in 1977 it was a different world. And I am becoming convinced that college was a much different animal. And parents were different. But, getting ahead of myself.

My oldest is 16. He is not the type that is chomping at the bit to go to college. He is a homebody. He is a thinker. He likes to take things at his own pace and never has been competitive. So, that in itself is having me really, really think about college. He is not the type that will plug in brainlessly to the whole scene as I did. For him it will have to have a reason and just the draw of living in a dorm is not enough to inspire him to take the plunge.

College for me was a no brainer. My parents had the money for me to go to a state college and it was always assumed I would. By me and by them. And college was cheap. We paid $2 a credit hour. And the dorm was cheap, too. And I was ready to get out of Dodge as soon as I had my high school diploma in hand . And I was great at taking tests and pleasing teachers. The second education I have had homeschooling has shown me how much I missed in my first, both in my childhood and in college. Too much time spent pandering for grades, too little thinking deeper and perhaps enjoying the learning and the ride. But that is a different entry I have probably already made.

But, I need to get my biases out. College opened doors for me. I did see people divided into college-grads and non-college-grads during my adult life. I had finshed my Masters in Business by the time I was 23, and that included a forray to another grad school to look into a Masters in Economics. When I went to interview, that played well to future employers, though my university was not ivy league (Texas Tech) they were impressed with my drive and my grades.

When I was in the work force, I saw how they interviewed people for jobs. There are college jobs and nocollegeneeded jobs.

So, I have always thought that college was a definite for my kids.

But, things have changed since I homeschooled, most especially the past 4 years or so.

First I have met a wider swath of people. Many of my friends are non-college. And they are good, smart, hard working often very faith-filled people.

Also, I see that while in the midst of work and college, (especially the MBA world) that it was very centered toward the 1980's ME mindset. Of course I did not have an active faith then either. Which brings me to the next thing.

What does God want for my kids? A big house and a high paying job?

I have been involved in and watched from the sidelines many good debates about this in various elists I am on. I think all that settled out for me in this way.

God gave each person gifts. Know your gifts. Know you have them because God gave them to you. Use them for his kingdom. Don't waste them. If you are called to poverty (or it comes upon you) accept it and let it bring you to holiness. If you have a family to raise, earn a good living. Give a lot back to the Church. Work is noble. Keep it in perspective. If you use your gifts (instead of working against them) you will find satisifaction in your work. That is good. As long as work/money/success/fame does not become your God.

So, I feel like my role as mom and mentor is to help my boys know themselves, know their strenghts and maybe think about where they would see themselves in years to come. Whether they pinpoint the occupation or not, we have a pretty good idea what they are drawn to. So, I can help open those door, make them aware of options and help them see what it might take to get there. And it may be college. Or not.

Now, that 'or not' is hard for me, because remember, I am biased. But I am getting better.

One wise mom (with 4 grown kids, one who is now a religious) told me that if my dc is not that perfect model college person that God will find a way if that is where he is meant to go. The way will appear. Much like that Chineese proverb: When the student is ready the teacher will appear.

This goes against everything I always embraced. I grew up thinking I had to work HARD and make things happen. My ego was always on the line, because when I failed (and I often did) it was something wrong with Me. This is a hard way to live as a young person. Hard work is fine, but it is not fine when the goal is fuzzy and ego-based. It is a hard, hard way to live, with your self-worth dependent on externals, some which are in your control, but all of which you are conditioned to think are in your control.

So, I am not against hard work. But there is an element needed here of balance.

What I have tried to do is keep the dialog open. And help my dc know who they are. And let them know there are options. And life and education can be tailored to *them* not the other way around.

Now, this is where it is getting real to me.

On this homeschool journey I and several of my lovely friends have seen ourselves living outside of the box. Of many boxes. Just today on one of my favorite lists the discussion ensued about potty training against the societal norm and how to handle nosy neighbors. This is just one of hundreds of areas we rebels have had to stake a claim, stand our ground, or just smile and pacify others because we knew we were on an authentic path.

Just a couple of days ago I talked with a neighbor on whom I am on freindly terms, but just hadn't touched base with for a while. After 20 minutes of talking I was exhausted. She is on the track... so busy.. so many irons in the fire.. so ON. Finally I just smiled and listened. I came home to our house and though how we really were living on different planets though our houses are 75 feet apart. I can't tell you how our lives are so different and even our thinking is different. Very different.

So, what I see as homeschoolers approach college with their dc is really often a reversion to the world's thinking and reacting to this. I really wonder sometimes if the real story is as frantic as the stories I hear. I have some friends who are in the secular (well, non homeschooling world) who share about getting the kids ready for college and it sounds downright FRANTIC. Every college is HARD to get into. The costs are sky high. The tests to get in are hard. It is crazy.

I also hear the underlying sigh of relief when the dc does get in. Like a big collective "WHEW!" Now I am not saying I won't do that, too, should it come to pass. Especially if I feel that my son has found *his* place in the world, at least for a season. And I can't judge hearts. But I wonder about the conversations the parents are having with the 18year olds-- and 13yo, 14yo, 15, 16 and 17year olds... Are they asking things like:

" What are the goals? "
"Why are we doing this?"
" Who are we doing it for? "
"What are the options available?"

or is the message...
You will dissapoint met if you don't get in. Etcetera.

And, of course being parent to one or more like this, what about the kids who is not ready to LAUNCH (as a friend put it) at 18. Are they a failure? What makes a failure or success at the age of 18? These questions are rhetorical, but important. Just as every moment we raise our kids, the message we give them are important.

This does not mean instead I give the message to my dc that I don't think they can do it, so relax and don't try. I tell my sons the truth daily. That they are smart, capable young men and can do ANYTHING decide they want to do. But, listen to your heart, open it to God, and see where you are lead. I know, this sound simplistic. It is not. And I wake up at 2am just like other moms. But I am trying to be real and that is something real I know. That they are in God's image and he made them exactly as he intended. If I can help them see *that* potential, it really does not matter what they do with their life, as long as they know that about themselves. The college or not, the CEO or teacher job.. it is all gravy.

That is when I am sane. I worry, too. But you know, all this love and support and conversation and opening of their world to ideas is the best thing we can give them, and I know it. Because that is what our faith tells us. And I think even Thomas Kempis who has been my nemisis in this knowledge quest would agree. Be an intellectual if that is bringing food to your family's table and your soul closer to Christ.

More on the next post.

God Bless,
Cindy