Simple Keys to Joyful Homeschooling

Wow, this is journey stuff. :-)

A friend asked me about an article I wrote a while back having to do with joy in homeschooling. It was sent out online to a couple of groups and distibuted in a packet at a local Cm conference we put on.

I had not read it in years.

It was so weird to read. I still believe every word, but I showed me where I was 4 years ago. I see myself, throughouly embracing Charlotte Mason, and especially the ideas of joy, relationship... and all the influences I had read up until then. I was writing for weary homeschool moms, those just getting brave enough to try Charlotte Mason, to leave school-at-home. I was still there. Trying to completely leave school-at-home.

Well, I think I have done that now! Only took 4 years! lol
Well, make that 10 years.

This tells me how powerful journalling can be, journalling of any kind- articles, emails, list posts, blogs, jotting things down in a notebook-- it all give us a snapshot of where we are at a point in time. It is fun to see the threads that run through our lives, especially the things we continue to hold to, the things that are dear and important. To me one of those is joy.

I wrote this as I was culminating all the questions that come up about why we live not in joy, but in angst. I had lots of questions.. but am still working on the answers. Anyway, here it is for your persual!


God Bless,

Cindy

p.s. It is long, so have a cup of tea, or a glass of wine and sit back... lol

Simple Keys to Joyful Homeschooling!
By Cindy Kelly

“How do you stand being home with your children all day? Don’t you worry you will miss something? What about socialization? Are they keeping up with the kids in school? Doesn’t it worry you he isn’t reading yet? Will your child be able to go to college? I have to hand it to you, I could never do what you do.”

Do these comments sound familiar? Most of us have had to field such questions from concerned friends and family members or those simply curious about what it is we do. Sometimes they can produce twinges of doubts though after some time, we get more adept at answering our critics. But what if these challenges are coming not from others but from within ourselves? Doubting ourselves leads to insecurity and can rob our homes of joy.

How do we deal with the doubts and restore joy to our homes? Let’s look at how we can bring that essential element of joy into our homes with some Simple Keys to Joyful Homeschooling.

1. Set Lofty Goals: What Kind of Adults Will Your Children Be?

What are your ultimate goals for your children? Frequently new homeschooling families immediately look to academic goals as their first priority. This is the model that most of us have grown up within traditional school settings. Grades and scope and sequence are the only measure most of us know.

However, looking deeper we see that our true goals are much loftier than this. As parents we are trying to “train up our children as they should go” and raise saints. We are the primary educators of our children, and we are to teach them about all of the world, not just what appears on a school district’s or umbrella school’s scope and sequence. The ultimate goals deal not with what bits of facts they know, but with relationships: our children’s relationship to God, relationship to others, relationship to self, relationship to knowledge, and relationship to the things of the world. When we put relationships first, all of the other important things of life, including learning, will be put into context naturally.

Seven years ago, as I was setting goals for my newly homeschooling 3 and 6 year old boys, I immediately fell into the academic trap. I set goals arbitrarily based on subject areas. We failed miserably. If we had a difficult day in math, we failed. If we didn’t do all the checkmarks on my list, we failed. If I spent money on curriculum and couldn’t make it work, we failed. Often my children’s abilities were stronger or weaker than the plan I had laid out for them but I felt they should be able to adapt. Worst of all, our relationship was suffering intensely because I put academics first in our lives. I was now failing at motherhood, too! We almost quit homeschooling that year, our first year.

Thankfully I found a resource that helped me distinguish the true goals I had for my children. Chris Davis from Elijah Company explained the concept of turning our goals upside down, in effect putting relationships first and academics after. He encouraged me to envision my sons as young adults and what their roles would be and what attributes they would need to achieve them. I read his article and set goals that still fully apply today. I have not had to alter them in seven years. I highly recommend the Elijah Company Catalog in which his article can be found. More information is available at: www.elijahco.com

Once you set reasonable, universal, yet lofty goals you will have a guidepost to keep you on track. Knowing you are on the right course, even though there may be some unexpected twists and turns, gives a sense of peace and joy. If we don’t finish our math today, we aren’t automatic failures. Chances are we had a great conversation about faith in the car or read a book that illustrated virtues. Yes, we are right on course.

2. Shift Paradigms: Challenge Your Beliefs about Learning

What do you believe about education? Do you think children must sit in a classroom setting for a certain number of hours a day to become educated? Must they read certain books and fill out worksheets? Is there a certain body of facts that envelop a full education? Do we need to duplicate what the public schools are doing in terms of method and content? Do children need to be “taught” or can they learn on their own? Do all children learn the same?

These are just some of the questions that confront us as we determine how best to educate our children at home. Often one of the biggest deterrents we have to a peaceful, fruitful home is our belief that we must duplicate a teaching style or method to truly ‘make’ our children learn.

The method most often duplicated is that of the traditional classroom, because that is what most of us know. New homeschoolers will try to ‘school at home’ with mom as teacher and children as (often unwilling) students. When we fail, we blame ourselves and set off to find the new curriculum or system that will save us.

In effect what we are doing is becoming slaves to a curriculum instead of having the resources serve us. We are putting ourselves in a bondage, one that surely robs joy from all aspects of learning with our children.

The Charlotte Mason method is becoming increasingly popular with homeschoolers because her methods give us a different model to follow. Charlotte Mason’s ideas can be a terrific starting point to get away from the model of traditional school. CM brings us living books, short lessons and a focus on children developing a relationship with knowledge. She takes us out of the classroom into the outdoors. She puts the child in direct contact with great ideas instead of giving them only the predigested ideas from a middleman; the teacher (or in our cases, Mom).

Yet, before we can embrace a new and better way, a sometimes painful letting go must take place. For me, it was letting go of the belief that my children were missing something when we left the classroom behind. The book that released me from this idea was Dumbing Us Down by John Taylor Gatto. I highly recommend it for those who are having a difficult time leaving traditional school behind. Perhaps there is something that is holding you back from seeking the very best way for you and your children. Let go of the old, make room for the new and see where you are led. Elijah Company has a wonderful article, “Charting a New Course” in their aforementioned catalog. Mr. Davis leads the reader through a thought process to discern personal beliefs about learning,
There is a big bright world of new ideas, techniques and methods out there to explore! Shift paradigms! Open your horizons! Have fun!

3. Structure or Freedom? Identify Your Family’s Unique Personality

Do you and your children crave structure? Or, are you free spirits? Do you spend time doing the things you want and need to do? Finding your family’s learning personality and implementing supportive elements in your home can provide a beautiful atmosphere for living and learning.

How should I run my day?
Often homeschoolers will try copy a day’s blueprint from a fellow homeschooler or curriculum guide. This can be a recipe for disaster! Each family has a unique personality. If you think of all the components of a family’s personality it is not surprising that a one-size-fits-all schedule is impractical. Difference in families include the number of children and their ages, learning styles, dynamics with siblings and the individual need for structure. A home’s physical layout and the resources as well as level of involvement of outside activities also have a large effect. Last but not least important (and maybe the most) is the personality of the mom. My personal opinion is if you tell a structured type-A mom to unschool or a laid back mom to set a rigid schedule, you are asking for trouble.

There is no one right way to homeschool. Many homes enjoy knowing what is coming up in a day and the schedule is a familiar and welcome friend. Other homes thrive on following rabbit trails and use structure for only the absolute basics of life.

How do you find the level of structure that is right for you? With your lofty goals at hand think about your children’s passions and what they would like to pursue. What would you like for you and your children to accomplish during the week? Are you getting to the things you deem important.? (hint: make sure you think they really are important and they are not from someone else’s list!) Create a schedule… in pencil. Remember this schedule is to work for you, you are not a slave to it. Try it for a few weeks and review with kids what is working and what is not. Think of stresses you have encountered. Are your children having enough quiet time to just ‘be’? Are you present with your kids or always thinking of “that next thing’? Don’t be afraid to change your plan, while keeping your lofty goals pinned up in sight. It is a dynamic process and schedules are ever-changing. I think the longest I had a weekly schedule in tact was about 2 months. Then I made an even better, yet shorter one!

Find the amount of structure that works for your family’s unique personality. Once you are in a groove, your family will work more efficiently and joy will follow naturally.

4. Slow Down and Simplify: Be Really ‘Present’ in Life

The quickest way to fire up burnout and douse joy is to try and do everything at once!

Homeschooling is a lifestyle and we have weeks, months, years of time. Allow yourself time to be with your children, to really be present to them. Just spending time with you children, listening to their ideas and sharing your thoughts can lead to more learning than hours of pre-planned lessons. Schedule down time. Don’t live in the car, racing from one activity to the next. Give yourself time. John Taylor Gatto explains in Dumbing Us Down that tragically, one of the things public school robs from children is time to be alone to think. Give your child that gift of time.

If you are implementing new ideas, such as Charlotte Mason methods, add just one at a time. Perhaps add nature study one month and narration the next. Teach your child one new habit at a time. Read one new book for a while before bringing in the next. Don’t try and do everything at once. This is not a race, but a passage.

Be careful about reading too many books about what a child should know when. Take them all with a grain of salt, or avoid them entirely. Only read curriculum guides when you are in a strong frame of mind, or you may end up ordering more than you need, can afford or could ever implement! If you see a fellow homeschooler who is successful with a resource, be glad for her and someday think about trying it yourself. There is enough success for everyone and encourage your friends in theirs. For now, do what you are doing. As a wise friend once suggested, if things are going awry, always give yourself 48 hours before implementing something new or buying a new resource.

Finally, take time out for yourself. If you are feeling overwhelmed, stop, relax and give yourself more time. Psalm 46:10 reminds us to “Be still and know that I am God”. He is in control and you have time. Take baby steps. Stop and smell the roses and recognize the joy within your family.


5. Seek Process, Not Product: The Journey is the Destination

I just love it when my son produces nice work. I punch three holes in it and put it in his big binder. It looks so neat and shiny and I can look upon it and know we accomplished something tangible. I can add it to his portfolio should I ever need to represent his learning achievements to outside authorities. Hey, I can show it to his grandparents! These pages can give me such a feeling of accomplishment: he is a great student, and I’m a fantastic teacher! Hooray for me!

Yes, binders are a wonderful way to showcase work and children and parents alike get pleasure from going back and seeing what the kids have done. However, they can become a trap by pulling us away from the more important goal: the child’s learning process.

As a child learns, they take in information and make connections. These connections are the process of the child’s learning. More learning is done by a child than can ever be recorded on paper. Charlotte Mason’s methods are very supportive of the process by presenting the child with a feast of new ideas, allowing them to digest and regroup the ideas, then enabling them to narrate the ideas back. Often nothing ends up on paper, but the process of learning has happened. The process of learning is the focus of our efforts with the child, for this is what the child actually absorbs, thinks and knows.

The traditional school model as well as pre-packaged curriculum rests heavily on the product a child produces. As homeschoolers, we have the luxury of being with our children, watching them relate to knowledge and watching the process of their learning. We know what they know just by being with them. We don’t need tests or worksheets to gauge what our children know.

A fellow homeschooling mom and I were once discussing teaching faith to our children. After discussing how important it was for our children to be well grounded in our faith we discovered we were using the same book. She commented,“Well, yes, they read it but we never really talk about it.” I thought to myself, then how does she know what they know?

Communication is the key to educating our children. We educate with intimacies and if we don’t communicate, how can we know what our children are learning or where they are in their journey? How do we know where to lead them?
By listening to our children we learn their strengths and weaknesses. We can help guide them to that next level, at their own pace.

Enjoy the product: the narration copied in the binder, the math page filled in (kind of) neatly, the sketch of George Washington or the nature drawing done in colored pencil. But remember that the process of learning is the goal and the results are not always available to hold in your hand. So, enjoy the product, but also seek out and savor the process. Listen to your child’s stories, watch him as he works his way through a difficult scenario, observe the thorough process as she grows and develops mentally. Don’t let the push for product crush the joy of the process of learning in your home.




6. Stop Comparing! Look at what your child is, not what he isn’t.

Charlotte Mason tells us our children are “born persons”. We know that God created each child a as unique being in His image. Logically then, our mission is to know our children intimately and help them grow into the person God wants them to be, given their unique personalities, attributes and challenges. Easy proposition? Unfortunately for most of us, it is not. Why? Because instead of celebrating and encouraging the gifts and unique qualities of our children, we often focus on what we think are children are lacking. And, it is fueled by our own internal monster of comparing.

What do we compare our children against? Everything! Here are just a few examples that may sound familiar…


- My son hates math and falls apart after half a page. He would have to do this if he were in a classroom.
- Why doesn’t my child like reading? All his friends have read The Hobbit and he can’t even make it through a chapter.
- The scope and sequences I found say my daughter should know her times tables by now, but we just can’t seem to make any progress.
- My daughter is so shy. She doesn’t want to participate in any large homeschool group activities like the other kids.
- To really be well-educated my kids need to learn about ancient culture and learn Latin, at least the classical curriculums say. But, we really can’t seem to get through it.
- All my son wants to do is stick his nose in a book all day. Why won’t he join a sports team?
- All my son wants to do is play baseball. Why won’t he read a book?
- My friend’s family has it all together and the kids are so far ahead of us.
- Her kids are so obedient. And her house is always clean! And she stays in great shape. What am I doing wrong?
- No wonder homeschooling works for her- she doesn’t have toddlers or special needs in her family. She has it easy.
- Well, her husband helps her homeschool. If mine did, I wouldn’t be so stressed.
- etc. etc. etc…


Comparing can come in endless forms. We can compare against schools and other homeschooling families. We can compare our talents against those of other homeschooling mothers. We can put our children’s gifts, or lack of them, up against every child we meet. Our husbands, houses, incomes and extended families are all fair game.

But, the final truth is God gave us each our unique lives, filled with our own blessings and challenges. We have to look at what he gave us and marvel at it. If we are truly present and thankful we see that we have blessings right under our noses, waiting for us to enjoy and savor. It is so easy to look out to the world and see what we don’t have, when if we just look inward we have so much.

It is particularly easy to see endless gaps and deficiencies in our children. As homeschoolers if we see a fault within them, we take the blame squarely on our own shoulders. I am reminded of a public school friend who was trying to decide if she should push to have her son put in a certain celebrated teacher’s class for 2nd grade. She decided against making the request, opting to have him placed randomly. “I decided to let the computer place him,” she explained.” so that if he has a bad year it would be the school’s fault and not mine.” She had effectively washed her hands of the situation and avoided guilt.

We don’t have the ‘luxury’ of such default but know that we directly influence our children lives and learning on all levels. Their failure can then translate to our perceived personal failure. But what constitutes failure by our children? Are these ‘failures’ real?

When we excel at the art of comparing, we are setting up an infinite number failure scenarios for our children. How in the world can we expect our children to compete against everything we happen to run across and set up as an arbitrary goal? Most of the ‘failures’ we see in our children are false or illusionary. If my child loves to read and God gave him that gift as part of his personality, it does not mean that your child should need strive to equal him. If your child enjoys math and spends endless hours doing puzzles and races through his worksheets, that is no reason to expect my child to achieve the same. What if your child’s gift is that of play and imagination? Embrace it, encourage it and foster that gift as a valid gift from God. Every child is unique. If we give our children ideas, a love of learning and encouragement, their gifts will become evident. I can guarantee you they will have deficits, just as no one person can excel at everything. Let’s help them excel and let their gifts bear fruit. There is enough success for everyone.

If you feel there are areas in which your child greatly lacks skill, encourage him and facilitate ways for him to succeed. But remember to allow him to do it in his own time. Do you remember when each of your children first sat up, stood, walked, talked or said their first word? I’ll bet they each did so at a different age! Each child has their own timetable of development. The same holds true for reading, writing, conceptualizing and other developmental skills. We wouldn’t force our child to walk at twelve months. Why do we try and force them to read at six years? The answer most often is, because the world expects it, so we expect it. And the goals are not even real.

Give your children the tender love and acceptance after the toddler years that you so gently gave them before and during. Focus on all the things they *can* do and *are* doing. Give them encouragement and facilitate their gifts by providing all the resources they needs to grow and develop their talents. As Miss Mason tells us, give them “..something to do, something to love and something to think about.” Gently help them in weaker areas within their individual development schedules. Stop placing them up against every other child or scope and sequence you happen across and instead give them the precious gift of time to be who God wants them to be. Stop comparing. Embrace the joy of who they are.

7. Support and Share You don’t have to go it alone!

The number of families homeschooling grows each year. Though homschooling is becoming more mainstream, it is still a journey of courage and we are often blazing new trails. Having support at key times is crucial to keep us encouraged and on track. I can think of a handful of women who were there for me during my own rough times. They are the ones who listened and helped me look hard at myself and our goals. They were the ones that got me though. Seek out positive people such as these and let them help you. I found long ago one of the best things I could do is to seek out uplifting people and limit my time with those who are negative. Find the ‘re-chargers’!

We need to ensure we are on the giving end of the support relationship, too. Take time out to offer help to a friend who is struggling. This is especially important for new homeschoolers who have not found their niche and gained the peace of experience. Often just pointing someone toward a good homeschooling guide or encouraging book will make the world of difference. Listen to their concerns. Share your experience. Even if they do not hold the same view and subscribe to the same methods of homeschooling, offer them a willing ear, a firm shoulder and a ready smile. We are each other’s community. Share the joy you have found in teaching your children at home. It can make all the difference.

Like all women, homeschooling moms can be guilty of inwardness or cliquishness, and oh, what a horrible model this is to new homeschoolers! I have found this to be especially true when mothers are insecure in what they are doing and full of fear. When I first began homeschooling, I was so excited to learn all about it and immediately joined a homeschooling support group. All but one of the moms was quiet, closed and cool to me. They wouldn’t even tell me what math program they were using! I couldn’t figure out why these women were so lacking in joy and excitement. I had never seen such a sullen and sad group of people in my life. The single friend who opened her books and home to me theorized that they were all so insecure about their homeschooling- afraid they were doing it wrong- they feared showing themselves to anyone. This is a classic example of fear stealing joy.

We are bound by Christ’s command to love one another as we love ourselves and reach out to other moms as we proceed on this journey. We can also enjoy the support of others as they minister to us. And, we can find the ultimate peace and joy by sharing with Christ this glorious burden. He will give us rest and joy no matter our current circumstance or condition. There we will always find joy!

I wish you joy and contentment through this adventure with your family!


“Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me; for I am gentle and lowly in heart and you will find rest for your soul. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”
-Matthew 11: 28-30

Copyright 2002, Cindy Kelly