Discipline, Cont.

It is a lovely, sunny, sultry day here in Houston. The Crepe Myrtles are in full bloom.

Back to discipline:

Habits- something firm to push back against, or lean on as the case may be.

When my boys were younger, we had rules. They could be bent, but they were there. The boys knew them and the were the bones of our house. They gave it structure. They made sense. Usually. I think the 80-20 rule applies well here.

The may have understood the 'why' behind 80% of the rules. The rest, they could not. But that is where obedience came in.

I think as they have become older many of the rules have been replaced by respect. They know that rules make sense, are for a reason. They have become self-disciplined. The key to that imo is communication. Not that everything is open for debate.. endless debate. This is especially difficult if one has a strong willed child or one who enjoys arguing for arguing sake.

But, most times if I explain a reason to my sons they know it is reasonable. And they will accept it. Usually the reasons are health and virtue. And they recognize those as good things.

Also a note- I don't usually like to type cast by age, but I have found there was a period around ages 10-13 where both my boys became distracted. They knew what they should do (empty dishwasher, pick up after themselves, etc) but just zoned out. This was important for me to realize - the physiological functions here... and not assume they were being stubborn or lazy. And for me not to take it personally.

During those times, I had to put on my mental to do list to follow up more with them. Give them more structure, little reminders... Cm's training came back to mind. Remind, remind, remind.. help the habit take root. Then it will sail on its own.

Ok. Back to natural structure and discipline.

I have seen over the years a natural structure and discipline take root in our house.

I used to believe the boys had to get that structure from lessons. Why? Because I had to endure it in school. It really took me years to let go of that. (thank you, John Taylor Gatto for your book Dumbing Us Down). Now I see that there are so many aspects in life where that discipline is needed. In fact I think they are much better served in these other aspects of life than in lessons.

Lessons let you compartmentalize. A child can think - Ok, if I get my lessons done, then I can be sloppy in other parts of life. Important parts like kindness, creativity, learning, faith.

Better to gather discipline, where needed, in all areas.

Ok. this is getting esoteric. I will put up an example. It is like we have several ebbs and flows going on in many areas in our home.

I like for the guys to each have a book going. (this in addition to LOTR). They usually listen on audio at night. B has been listening to Around the World in 80 Days by Jules Verne. It was hard for him to get into, but I asked him to stick with it. (Awesome book- some difficult language, lots of references to Geography, History, Culture, plus it takes place in a different era from the view point of an Englishman and Frenchman.. lots going on).

He did. We chatted now and then about where he was and what he thought. He carried the Cd player around the house. I could tell how far he was by what disc I would find laying around as they were finished and discarded. Now he is done. He can have a lull. Give it time to sink in. In the meantime his writing has picked up. Last night they both took a "late night" and stayed up until 2am writing. Lots of writing going on.

I will not ask him to start another weighty book just now. His mind is busy. He needs time to digest the 80 Days book. (I did.). In the meantime there is structure happening in other areas.

We have 3 dog sit jobs on the horizon. They will structure their schedules to decide which visits to help with. (I pay them min wage to help me- and the help is real). We are going to daily Mass once a week. That will go on the calendar.

I will chart my week for projects and housework. That will go on their calendars. They also have two 'late nights' a week and they will schedule those (not before a Mass day..as we have to rise early.)

It is very natural. Some hard goals and needs that we must all adjust around. Other are self-arranged goals we each create. Some of mine affect them, some of theirs affect mine. They will request my time to help them with theirs (drive for errands) I will ask them to help me with mine (housework, dog sits, etc).

There is mutual respect. Communication. I am not sure how this would work without both.

I also see that the VGs in our house has fostered the self-discipline. We have evolved from strict rules and timers to the boys having a sense of when is too much. They monitor themselves and are doing it well.

Sometimes I will see there is too much screen time going on, and suggest they do something else, and usually they will say that they were just about to stop and saw that, too.

So, what are we lacking in discipline?

Humm.

The first thing that comes to mind for my 15yos is to try academic things he is not comfortable with. I have to be careful here. That was my strong point. To jump in and just tackle any subject by sheer work. Made good grades. But how much do I remember?

I would like for him to try math again, more systematically. I think instead of doing it self-paced through a textbook, maybe an interactive CD might work. I am considering trying Teaching Text. Expensive, but might be a good fit. Why?

There is something to doing things in bites. You become stronger and it becomes easier.And then you see the fruits of the discipline of continuing. It is something you can't see at the beginning. The mountain looks too high.

I have found this with my workouts. I have not lost a lot of weight, but I was just noticing my legs this morning, and they are toned and muscular. This is from going to my workouts most every day. And now I can see the results. And now the workouts are easier and I feel I have mastered something.

Helping our children gain discipline is a good thing. But it is easy to over dose. I think because what we think is a good goal for them is really our goal. We want to look good. Or we think if we have them achieve a certain number of things, they will be 'done.' (and then we look good..) but also yes, we are trying to do what is right for them.

But what is really right for them is for them to gain the ability to discipline themselves. In goals they desire to do, but also in things they must do. There will be lots of 'musts' later on in life, so no need to bog them down too much now. Maybe encourage them in the general disciplines and the give them something to stretch them now and then. Like math.

The other area I would like to help then stretch in is exercise. It does not come naturally around here. My boys are neither into team sports. It is really hot and mosquito-y here, too. Tennis happens about 6 months of the year. Light saber duels get the heart pumping a few times a week.

I have been sharing health-related info with them for a while. They are taking it to heart. S has talked about a weight lifting program. I think I will get the resources together and suggest he come up with a daily plan. Encourage discipline.

God Bless,
Cindy